The Dance of the Night

Hush those feet

and still the beat

of those fears come out to play.

There’s no time! No, don’t delay.

If you wait

and slow your gait

oh, this time you’ll come to find

all those creatures in your mind.

Give. Get. Grow.

There’s this profound thought. The thought that there are people who just give and give and never expect anything in return. These people are mothers, they’re fathers, sisters, best friends, crazy aunts, godfathers, they’re everywhere in this world. The thing about this thought is that there needs to be reciprocation. Everything in this world has a good and a bad; there’s heads and there’s tails. The sun has night and the cold has warmth. There’s give and give back, and sometimes these people who give and give will need to get in return.

There’s this mother that I only know in passing. She doesn’t even speak English and I have never really carried on a conversation with her, but I know she’s her children’s world. The children no longer have their father, so she’s become even more critical to their lives. She is one who gives and gives and never expects anything back. Her family has come upon hardships and it looks like she will be separated from her children. I know what it feels like to be separated from my parents, but these children will not get the opportunity to really see their mother again. I had my sister send one of her daughters a message because they’re friends, and offered to do family portraits for them so they can have this one small memento. It is one small thing that I can do to give.

Turn around. These people who have been propelling you and I forward need people to turn around and grab their hands. Pull them into an embrace and pull them along with us. Be it from our own propulsion or from the momentum they have created for us, they deserve to get some “give” in their lives. There will also be times when people seemingly unrelated to your success or journey will look like they need help. Give to them. Not only will they have been given the opportunity for someone to cheer them on, you will be given the opportunity to grow from it too.

Two Years, Two Heartbeats…

…it’s all the same.

In just 3 days, it will be the two year anniversary of your death. Two years is a long time, but in this case it still feels like two heartbeats – if that – that I lost you.

And just like that day that you were simply gone, I’m still addressing everything to you, still waiting for a response.

Of course I’m not the only one who lost you. We all did. I think about the others who lost you often. What their hearts must have felt like. Is grief just grief or does each person bear their own brand of grief? Each one of us had a different story that tied to yours, so does that mean we each get our own grief? In that case, are we alone? Surely not right?

Did it rain that night? Was it pouring on me as I moved quickly down the partly lit streets to find comfort in Molly’s? Or am I remembering one of the countless times I ran through the rain just to pop in and say hi? I don’t really remember many details about that day, but I remember, whether it was raining or not, that my heart was beating too loudly, to strong and too unevenly as I still reeled and walked in dry-eyed and polite as I walked past Molly’s family only to sit down on her bed, rub my eyes, and curl into her for the onslaught of tears.

With every ounce of honesty in me, I can tell you that life changed for me that day. You had affected me too much for me to not constantly compare my relationship with you to everyone else around me. You always were and always will be everyone’s Golden Boy, and no one shines as brightly to this day.

Don’t let this letter deceive you. Really, I’ve been doing well. The sadness isn’t as cloying or ever-present. I’m not always dwelling on the grief, but once in a while it does get the best of me. And when the sadness and pain and grief clear away, I’m so grateful for all the happy moments that we shared; for the quiet, radiating love in everything that you did and still do for me every time something or someone reminds me of you.

love,

the aly to your jack

*Whispered*

“Hush.. Hush… It’s just you and I, baby. Just you and I in this big ol’ world.” 

A Birthday Post & A World of Love

This is going to be cheesy, and I’m totally okay with that.

I woke straight up this morning with one singular and clear thought in my head: It’s your birthday. I’m telling you, I bolted upright in bed in the nightmare kind of way. Except, you know, with the opposite of dread.

For a small town girl, you’ve definitely touched my life and the life of so many others in this big ol’ world.

Thank you.

For always always being willing to indulge my complaints.

For always squealing with me over fictional characters.

For always telling me that my fears and worries aren’t pointless.

For loving me and all my faults.

Somehow I feel like we are the embodiment of “Distance makes the heart grow fonder” and I’m so happy we have only grown closer as the miles stretched farther.

I love you so much and I wish you a world that’s full of love on this special day!

Happy Birthday to you and to Dr. Seuss!

Happy Sunday

The thought for today?

Love the moment. Even if you come back to the same house with all the same people, under the same circumstance, things will never be quite like this moment right here.

Each moment is unique and will never be like any other.

And always love the people you’re sharing these moments with.

Loving Little

Looking back, I didn’t know I was going to fall in love. The thought never crossed my mind! It makes sense now because how could I not fall in love? Little by little, silently, quietly my heart expanded and encompassed you. Now there’s no turning back.

…One is Silver and the Other is Gold.

About 4 months ago I packed up in about 2 weeks and moved down here to the Washington DC area in an effort to literally change my life.

I knew going into this that it wasn’t going to be easy. I mean you know what they say about that rock and that hard place…

I expected a lot of the things that have happened, but I’ve also been surprised by some of the outcomes of this drastic move. Leaving the place where I “grew up” in the United States? Yeah I knew that was going to be hard. Switching from small town mode to big city mode? Logically different. I’d know fewer people? Bah who needs human interaction anyway? You get the idea.

When I moved these expected and unexpected situations were kind of pushed underneath somewhat blanket categories but it became apparent that each situation was different. If you asked me what has been the most unexpected situation, my answer wouldn’t be the same every day.

Today I think the thing that’s hitting me the hardest is the fact that for 8 years I built relationships and associations with people — from convenience store employees to seminary teacher(s) to choir/theatre directors and the list goes on. Sure I’m forming connections here, but I sometimes go somewhere and expect a certain reaction from people and when it’s not as meaningful as it used to be, I get a little sad. People don’t quite know the way I joke. I used to make little comments that usually spin off into crazy conversations with my former leaders and now, sometimes I just get nods of assent and the conversation doesn’t go on. Oh and remember in middle school when the boys and girls wouldn’t interact a lot? Well the boys in my Sunday School class in A—————— took a while to warm up to me and my loud ways (what can I say, I can be intimidating). After laying down ground work since the 6th grade, we finally reached a point where we became friends that went to concerts together, hit the movies together, laughed about Spanish teachers together, sang silly songs together, and made 5 hour (round trip) drives together. Now it’s back to sitting divided: boys on one side and girls on the other, and we don’t even know enough of each other’s lives to call each other “friends.”

So I guess it’s back to square one, huh? I knew that I’d miss all the people in my old life, but I didn’t anticipate that it would be so hard to survive the beginning stages of this thing called “making new friends.”

Rise and Shine

For a little while now my mornings haven’t been quite the same. At the end of the day I like to think of the things I didn’t get accomplished and I vow that I will get x, y, and z done the next day. I So I wake up, get the first thing on my list done, and then the baby gets up and then forget it—all my planning from the night before was for nothing.

Now, before those of you who know me freak out, she’s not my baby. You definitely didn’t miss the big news that I was pregnant, carried for about 9 months and had a baby. Heck, for that matter, you definitely didn’t miss the announcement about me having someone to have a baby with.

Moving on! My baby cousin who’s really almost 2 and not really a baby makes my mornings so happy even if I don’t get much if what I planned done because I’m hanging out with her.
If I’m not getting certain things done though, I’m always learning and re-learning so much.

You know, it seems as though since I’m getting older, I should be far wiser than this little human. Boy am I wrong. If we were lightbulbs, she’d be the brand new, shiny and bright light bulb, and I’m the one who has grime on the surface and I’m not shining quite as brightly. You can see the shiny in her eyes! They sparkle and she gets excited about the little bird taking a dust bath. She will stop listening to you the second she hears the street sweeper coming and she cocks her head slightly, listening. Then she’ll start spinning her hands and making this whooshing noise to depict the brushes underneath the vehicle.

Over the years I’ve forgotten that little birds like to flit around in the dust. Do I even know what a street sweeper sounds like anymore? No, it’s just noise to me, while Baby M———– can show you the difference between what a street sweeper sounds like and what the garbage truck sounds like.

I’m not a mother and I’m not at that stage in life yet, but I’m so grateful for the time I have with this little person because she’s helping my get my shiny back.

A “Little Extra” Lovin’

“The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.” ~ Jimmy Johnson

And with that, I salute all my fellow “softer” women. It’s okay that we have a little extra lovin’ to share with the world.

It’s good to be healthy but if your body won’t ever become a size 0, then that’s good too, so chin(s) up, baby! (;

 

Dedicated to Netta’s and my double chins, thunder things, and childbearing hips.