Tag Archives: thoughts

Breathless

Lately I’ve felt so emotionally vulnerable and quite frankly volatile.

 It’s not a feeling I like…

I don’t like that at any moment, my breath leaves my body and I can’t for the life of me remember what it’s like to breathe. I can’t stand being in public when the tears threaten and my mind just wanders aimlessly to the point of exhaustion. 

Life is ever flowing and constant. If only I could flow continuously and flow past these moments that make me not feel like me. Such is humanity I guess: Always reacting to the human condition.

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It’s Not That Funny

Little by little I’m coming back to blogging and sharing thoughts and stories with you!

Yesterday I met up with Person X at a restaurant. X had asked me to tutor her and she was feeling desperate so I met up with her but brought my little sister along because we were having a sister date afterwards and it didn’t make sense to go back and get her afterwards. We walk into the restaurant and X is already there. I say hi and introduce my sister, who then does her own thing for an hour and a half, while we do our work.

Today I saw her again, this time sans sister, and she says, “Oh my gosh your sister looks nothing like you!” Alright. That’s fair. I don’t have to look like her!

We have a few minutes before we have to be to class so we’re on our phones showing each other pictures of family members. For the next 5 minutes she says “I don’t see it!” “They all have the same nose!” “You don’t look anything like them!” “No seriously. Nothing like them.” All of which I take very politely. I mean, whatever, it’s not a huge deal. Looks are subjective. There are people that I’ve know for 8 years and they still collectively refer to my sisters and I as “the Raza Girls” because they can’t tell us apart. Which, I don’t get, but like I said, subjective. Then there are the people who are like, “Whoa! You’re all sisters? ALL of you? You looked similar so I thought maybe cousins! That’s kinda cool!”

I’ve heard a variety of reactions, however, X was taking it to a level I’ve never heard before. After repeatedly telling me that I look nothing like my family, she goes on to say “Haha maybe you’re adopted!” laugh laugh giggle giggle

I couldn’t believe it. What if I am? What if I’m not? What if I am but no one has told me? What if what if? “It’s okay you can tell me. I won’t tell.” Um excuse me? “Go home and ask if you are!!! Hahaha” Incessant laughing

It’s “jokes” like these that drive me insane! Just saying something and laughing about it or maybe adding a punch line doesn’t make it a joke.
Consider some tact, humanity! For the love of all that is good and holy, think before you speak.

“Jokes” about being gay. Don’t do it. “Jokes” about abortion. Don’t do it. “Jokes” about eating disorders. Don’t do it.
“Jokes” about being adopted. Don’t do it.
The list goes on. Just stop.

I remember in middle school the hallways were full of “yo mama is so…” “Yo mama (this), yo mama (that).”
I never really liked them because I just didn’t, but then my best friend’s mother passed away and it took on a whole new meaning. I didn’t and still don’t want to hear “funny” jokes about somebody’s mama being so skinny that they turned sideways and disappeared. My best friend’s mother is not on this earth anymore. To this day, anytime I hear a yo mama joke I can’t help but think “while you’re disrespecting hypothetical or real mamas, there are people who would cringe to hear that because they don’t have their mamas anymore.”

Some might say, “calm down, it’s just a joke!” or “live a little,” or “pull the stick out honey, and loosen up!” I’m not always the world’s most easy going person, I acknowledge that, but when it comes to matters like these, no thank you. I prefer to stand by my opinions.

…So Come What May

My little baby blog hasn’t been going for long, but there have been enough times where I’ve thought about writing a particular post then reluctantly admit to myself that those who don’t know me and will read those posts won’t know the important background information that should accompany said posts. For a new blogger I’ve posted a good amount of entries on my blog and there’s not one (public) post that explicitly mentions that I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, or as we are more commonly referred to as, a Mormon.

I will admit that I did not accidentally forget to post this. I chose not to mention it for a few reasons, many of which are still hard for me to explain in a coherent manner, so I’d like to share only a few reasons why I am choosing to say something now.

It takes a lot of courage to declare something that you know there will be opposition to.  Believe me that both you and I hoped that I would have that courage to speak up, but I’m not perfect and I don’t apologize for it. I know I’m not the only one out there who has something to say and hasn’t (whether for a religious reason or not) for fear of being belittled. I haven’t had very positive experiences in the past when I have mentioned that I’m a Mormon but I think it’s about time that I actually put an effort into saying that I am Mormon even when I know it might not be received well.

I grew up in the Church, so the things that I know… well, I feel like I just know them. As I grew older, I came to think that the people who convert to this church are actually more knowledgeable than I am in this religion. Perhaps in some cases they are and perhaps in others, they are not and that’s not what matters. I suppose I just feel like they came into it having all these questions and they were asking them and getting answers one way or another. I’m not restricted from asking questions myself, and I have asked questions as I’ve thought of them, but this Church has so so many questions that could be asked. I haven’t asked them all and quite frankly, I don’t think I’ll be able to get to ask all my questions in this lifetime and that’s okay. I think that’s one of the things that is beautiful about this Gospel: that I will always have opportunity to learn and I will never just be sitting in stagnant water. Aha! Here we have another reason why I haven’t come running out with a banner flapping in the wind that says, “Maniesse! (Among many things,) she is a Mormon!” Are you ready for the reason? I just don’t have the answers! Well, I have some answers but certainly not all. I can’t help but feel embarrassed that I can’t answer all the questions that have ever been thrown at me. Even though some people don’t say it, I feel like they are thinking “Well if you don’t really know the answer, how can you say you know this church and it’s doctrines and therefore tell me that it’s true?” I feel within me that it’s true and some people can’t accept that. They need cold, hard fact. I feel that when I have followed the counsel given and seen the blessings in my life, I can’t then turn a blind eye and say that it is coincidence. There have been too many things in my life for it all to be coincidence. (I have other reasons too for believing in this Church, but for now, this will serve as an introductory reason.)

I’m here now saying that I’m a Mormon because I know that it is such a big part of how I operate and who I am, that perpetuating my online image as someone who could or could possibly not be Mormon does not speak well of my integrity and it doesn’t truly show who I am. I’m here now saying this because little by little I am getting more courageous and as hard as it’s going to be for my peace-loving self to have people belittle me and my faith, I can only hope that it will build my character and circuitously, my courage. I know that I still don’t have all the answers and that I am not always so articulate, but I do know that I am willing to ask myself the same questions that people may ask of me, and hopefully we will be able to learn the answers together.

 

Have you had hard things to say in your life? What have you done about it? Saying some things can be freeing! 🙂

Ramblings of a Newbie

Inhale, Exhale. Inhale, Exhale
I think it’s time for a heart to heart. A… screen to screen? We won’t get lost in the technicalities. This post is almost a confession of sorts. Or maybe a call to action… for myself. No, no that’s not right. This is a….. hmm. Let’s figure this out later and just get to the post, shall we?

Blogging is really a big deal for me. I’m sure it is for a lot of people, and I’m one of those people. I’ve always been a pretty private person and here I am wanting a blog where I can just type my worries away and strangers will be reading about the things that make me angry or that make me want to cry or make me want to scream… you get the idea. I want that kind of blog but at the same time, do I really want most of my life broadcast like this? Ha! I guess that’s what my problem is— I’m a private person with a lot to say, so now where does that leave me?

Where am I trying to go with this?

Thinks for a minute.

Dear reader, I think I’ve found it. This post is a commitment. I’m committing to be more open and to share more of me.

Hopefully you stick around while I do my best to keep this “commitment” to myself.

Wandering thoughts, surprising finds.

It’s beautiful, it’s warm, and I’m reflecting on where my life is headed and where I’ve come from.

Then I wonder how you are. What’s new with you? I haven’t heard one of your funny stories in a while. I know something exciting has happened in your life because you’re just that kind of person.

I check for your footprint, a text that I probably missed again (we’re no strangers to this game). Maybe you sent me another song to add to our list. Weren’t we supposed to plan out the routes for the roadtrips? No, we were still discussing the latest “game,” right?

Oh.

How odd. My life goes on. How can that be?

You’re not here to live on with me.

Morning Thoughts

Sometimes people sneak up on you and stay longer than you expected them to stay. Sometimes they don’t stay as long as you’d like, but your life shows signs of them being there. This morning I’m thinking of M—. Not in a bad way and it’s definitely not as sad a thought as it could be. I still can’t believe our lives intersected but I can believe that I’m so lucky that they did. 

So I guess my conclusion is that we should love the people we have while we have them, because they can leave us in the most unexpected of ways… much like the very unexpected ways that they entered our lives in the first place.