It’s nearly 3 AM and the wheels in my mind and the strings in my heart are turning, pulling. Isn’t that always the way it goes: over-active minds going strong at inopportune moments.
I’m having one of the moments when if I don’t acknowledge something, I’ll be kept up for a long time.
Within the past, say, two years I’ve learned to appreciate a lot. But I’ve also noticed that I’m more bitter about certain things and sometimes it just eats away at me. I try not to be bitter because I feel like this huge festering sore. Or an annoying itch that has decided the best place to appear underneath my skin where I can scratch all I want but it’s not going to get much better.
How do I get rid of the itch and cure the sore? I can walk around all day and all night, month after month, year after year acting blasé and nonchalant but what I really want to do is just…get better.
I’ve decided that bitterness doesn’t become me, but I also know it’s also flabbergastingly hard to get rid of.
It tends to happen that in the face of change, many things are revealed. As things shift, new thoughts and new ways come forward and you’re able to look back and see a glimpse of just how things used to be. Things have once again shifted in my life. Not the small, almost undetectable shifts, but one that has been forecasted and has been a source of both anticipation and dread. Life is changing and that’s the simple, yet vague way of saying it. What thing has been revealed in the face of this major shift? What is there now that wasn’t there before? I’ll tell you what, but you’ll have to promise not to laugh, because you see my shoulders have changed. I’m not girl of particularly large stature. In fact, I’m the perfect armrest for many that I know. I’m strong but not too strong and I’ve always been confident but not in everything I do or say. In the past few months, or perhaps the past few years, my shoulders have been growing. They’re stronger somehow. When that happened, I’m not sure. I can only see that they’ve filled out and grown to be sturdier. They feel different too. The only other important detail is that this change is not necessarily physical or tangible. My soul feels like it’s expanded and has filled my shoulders. They’ve grown up and grown out and have grown to be square, to evenly spread all the weight I’ve had to bear. I now know that before, my shoulders were not as purposeful or as beautiful as they are today because of my trials.