No, I don’t want to linger on this, but as much relief as I know my friend will get, it does not dimish how heavy my heart feels.
I’ve been thinking. Maybe a little too much thinking, but I’ve been thinking. I’ve been thinking about pasts and futures and changes too. It is such a crazy thing to look at someone and only know them for your current associations that it’s easy to forget that, like you, they have a history. A person they used to be and a person they are now based on the past. The people they knew, the places the soles of their feet have touched and made marks on. It’s crazy too to think about a future. A future that is largely unknown and yet we get up every day step forward into it. My sister and I were out exploring nature and she took a picture of me walking along a path that’s made of wooden boards that goes for a while and then just ends. I looked at that picture again today and realized how symbolic it is of life. We live in the now with what we know and we wake up every day a little further along in yesterday’s future. We plan and dream and struggle and survive as best we can for a future that we hope we know. At the end of the day, we don’t really know what will be next. An entire life, reality, dream, hope, plan can change in a matter of seconds. Even the things we were certain would never change, can change too. Relationships change gradually, goals shift sometimes… You can stand there and look back at the boardwalk behind you, at the past, and see how it lead you to where you are, but we won’t ever fully be able to look ahead and see everything; see exactly how exactly the path will continue.
I’m really bad at writing my posts and publishing them. I’m trying to write a new one right now and I sometimes feel like I can’t say exactly what I want to say. Other times, as I write and I’m overwhelmed, unfinished or not, as soon as the words start coming out -even if no one ever hears or reads them- I feel calmer and end up never finishing or posting the drafts. So, more often than not, the things I write end up being forgotten drafts. I stumbled on this one tonight and thought back to when it was originally written and what was going on in my life at that time. I was working at my old job that was not giving me as much as it was taking from me. I was desperate and tired and worried about my future. Although this point in my life has passed, I think it’s important to remember because you forget how bad (or how good, but in this case bad) things had gotten. So bad that you are surprised when something good happens. So from now on, as I go back through old drafts, I will periodically publish them, finished or not, to leave a record of how I existed at one point in time. Published 07/08/2016 – Drafted 04/21/2015 West Valley City, Utah
When I started this blog, I was so enthralled by the idea that my life wasn’t a single dot in an expanse of humanity. My life is, in fact, tethered to other people’s lives for reasons that will sometimes be apparent, and at other times not quite as clear. It was this single obsessive thought that hounded me. So much so that I’ve created a blog centered around that one amazing idea that at any given moment in your life you are never alone.
This morning I was reminded of that.
I woke up feeling a little despondent and a little bit like life had taken me to the top of a tower with a beautiful sunset overlook and as the sun retracted its light from the earth, pushed me over and smiled smugly as I went careening into all my dark and lonely thoughts.
The feelings of doubt that I somehow keep at bay every day were wanting to come out and play. The thought of facing my stagnant and monotonous life was glaringly painful and I dragged as I struggled to get ready. I tried to play the TV in the background, then I tried music, then I checked my Instagram, my Twitter, my Facebook… the whole time subconsciously hoping that I would stumble upon something that helped motivate my day.