I’m really bad at writing my posts and publishing them. I’m trying to write a new one right now and I sometimes feel like I can’t say exactly what I want to say. Other times, as I write and I’m overwhelmed, unfinished or not, as soon as the words start coming out -even if no one ever hears or reads them- I feel calmer and end up never finishing or posting the drafts. So, more often than not, the things I write end up being forgotten drafts. I stumbled on this one tonight and thought back to when it was originally written and what was going on in my life at that time. I was working at my old job that was not giving me as much as it was taking from me. I was desperate and tired and worried about my future. Although this point in my life has passed, I think it’s important to remember because you forget how bad (or how good, but in this case bad) things had gotten. So bad that you are surprised when something good happens. So from now on, as I go back through old drafts, I will periodically publish them, finished or not, to leave a record of how I existed at one point in time. Published 07/08/2016 – Drafted 04/21/2015 West Valley City, Utah
When I started this blog, I was so enthralled by the idea that my life wasn’t a single dot in an expanse of humanity. My life is, in fact, tethered to other people’s lives for reasons that will sometimes be apparent, and at other times not quite as clear. It was this single obsessive thought that hounded me. So much so that I’ve created a blog centered around that one amazing idea that at any given moment in your life you are never alone.
This morning I was reminded of that.
I woke up feeling a little despondent and a little bit like life had taken me to the top of a tower with a beautiful sunset overlook and as the sun retracted its light from the earth, pushed me over and smiled smugly as I went careening into all my dark and lonely thoughts.
The feelings of doubt that I somehow keep at bay every day were wanting to come out and play. The thought of facing my stagnant and monotonous life was glaringly painful and I dragged as I struggled to get ready. I tried to play the TV in the background, then I tried music, then I checked my Instagram, my Twitter, my Facebook… the whole time subconsciously hoping that I would stumble upon something that helped motivate my day.